What's in a name?

One day last week, I was talking to someone before class started.  We were talking about my divorce, among other things.  (As an aside, it's so weird to say "my divorce" because it's hard to believe I was ever married).  Anyway, she asked why I didn't change my last name back to my maiden name.  She couldn't understand why I'd want to keep the name of someone who treated me the way my ex-husband treated me...why I'd want to associate myself with that.

My immediate reaction to this question in the past had always been because I wanted to have the same last name as my children, and, as much as I love my family, I never liked how my first name rhymed with my (maiden) last name.  Another reason why I never changed it back was because I had already started school when my divorce was finalized and the thought of changing aaaaaaall of those official documents made my eye twitch.  What can I say?  I'm lazy.  (Not really)

So anyway, this time I hesitated to answer the question.  To be honest, I didn't want to resume my "old identity" again.  She was the confused little girl who couldn't figure out what to do with her life and just wanted someone to love her.  She was the insecure little girl who married the first person who asked her because she was worried she might not ever get another chance.

She was the shy, sweet, naive girl who believed in love at first sight and soulmates; she believed everything anybody told her because she believed everyone was inherently good inside.

That's not me.

I am the woman who, one early Saturday morning in July 2010, looked at her three children and realized that life as they knew it was changing and that their survival was all on her.

I am the woman who had nothing, yet managed (with the help of her completely awesome and loving family, and by the grace of God) to move to a new city, get an apartment, and start school.

I am the woman who looked adversity and statistics in the face and said NO WAY.  Not me.  No thank you.

I am the mother who loves her children fiercely, fought to protect them, and who refuses to do anything less than what would ultimately give them the best life possible.

I am is the student who pulls off A's in her classes, and consistently ends up on the Dean's List, even after usually missing several classes due to sick kids!

So.  I'm not trying to brag, honestly.  But I’ve changed.  I’m different.  So much about me is different.  The person I used to be, I don’t recognize.  I don’t know who she is, but I feel so sad for that girl.  She was so naive and trusting.  It's true that now I'm very jaded and closed off but right now I need to be so I can get through school.  But I still look for the good in people and always look at the glass as half full.

My faith is also much stronger now than it ever was in my life.  One of the things I learned was that I had to be torn down in order to build myself back up; and that I am where God wants me to be.  So many good things came out of my marriage, and my inevitable divorce: my children, my strength, my renewed faith, and who I am now.

So I couldn't go back.