It's been awhile

Sooo yeah. It's been almost a year since my last blog post. I miss blogging.

A lot has changed.I'm different. But in a good way.

I'm...happy. Content. I haven't been able to truly say that until recently. I was really glad that I wasn't married to my ex-husband anymore because...well, the reasons are numerous and obvious. But despite that, I harbored such anger towards my ex-husband and those associated with him. Today, though, I am happy.

For almost the last two years, I let resentment and bitterness eat away at my soul. I hid behind my anger because, let's face it... it's much easier to be angry all the time than it is to be VULNERABLE because when you're vulnerable, you get hurt. Or insulted. Or embarrassed. I don't like being hurt, or insulted, or embarrassed. But I like being angry even less.

So I made a decision: my ex-husband was no longer going to have the power to make me mad. I would no longer waste one more second of my life on anger, be it at him, the situation, or...whatever. I was exhausted from carrying around this big boulder of anger and hatred that got bigger every day. It wasn't worth it to me anymore. Or, more appropriately, HE isn't worth it.

Because the truth is that we both went into that marriage for selfish reasons. I just had no idea what kind of a person he would turn out to be, although I will say that I knew very early on (like by the time our first anniversary rolled around) that he was not the person I thought married, nor that I wanted to be married to.

I still don't like him.  I'm at a point though where the things he did to me are irrelevant to me.  But I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him for the kind of father he turned out to be.  I'm trying.  I have to constantly remind myself that he is not a healthy person and has many deep seated issues that had nothing to do with me or my children.  I will never forget, but the anger needed to just go away.

I came to realize, and embrace, the fact that what he did to me was the best thing that ever happened to me. If he hadn't cheated on me and walked out, I would still be married to him, and even more miserable than I was, if that's even possible.  I was so very unhappy.

Now, I am happy. I love my life. I love being in school. I got out of that horrible situation by the grace of God and I am able to earn a degree, and my future is bright.  I love that I will never again be dependent on another person for my survival.  That was, without a doubt, the most foolish and selfish thing I have ever done.

I love being with my children, spending my days with them, learning about them, laughing with them, and LOVING them.  I adore my children.  They are love, MY love.  Whatever love might have existed between the stranger I called my husband and myself, they are the embodiment of it.  Because of them, I wouldn't change a thing.

I am happy.  I have joy in my heart.

God is good...and I'm on my way up.